Beauseph Smith, Vision Seeker

Are you lost? Do you need direction in your life? Are all your friends married with children and working somewhat fulfilling jobs that pay them enough to do whatever they want to do? Look no further, my friends, because one sit-down consultation with Vision Quester Beau Anderson will point you in a direction, not necessarily the right direction, but a direction nonetheless. In-depth face-to-face, heart-to-heart, hand-to-hand (conversation, not combat) discussions will direct you to a path, a path that has no end but where the things you find on said path lead you, and a beginning that lies within you. Let Beau Anderson, V.Q. start you on your enlightening journey.

Please direct all inquiries to Buck Munson, V.Q., 480-XXX-XXXX.

Falls and Finds

Niagara Falls called to me yesterday, so I jumped in my brilliant white steed and vacated my temporary hood to take in a glimpse of some of the magnificence the world holds. Lord knows I won’t find it in Buffalo. Although I was rip-roaring ready for a taste of something other than strip malls, grocery stores, and city parks, I had an ulterior motive for my pleasure jaunt. Attractions draw tons of people, and people tend to lose things (I know this all too well. Zeus be with you, S.B.!). Knowing that where there’s a heavier concentration of people, there’s a larger number of lost items, I set out on a gathering mission, hoping to wrangle lost money, phones, digital cameras, jewelry, or winning lottery tickets. My first find was on the side of the road before I even got to the falls – a Buffalo Sabres cap that was probably thrown out of a speeding car by an irate fan after Buffalo lost their playoff series to Boston. That will come in handy when I try to blend in with the locals. My second find was right outside Rodeo when we parked near the falls – an umbrella that would have been useful later in the day when it was pissing down rain. I don’t even use umbrellas, but damn it, I found it! On the leisurely walk to the falls, my head was down, eyes scanning each side of the path for anything shiny or faded green, but I put my search on hold and shifted into ‘nature is awesome’ gear when I came to the endless rush of seemingly suicidal water throwing itself over the cliff’s edge. I spent nearly an hour admiring the powerful combination of water and gravity, and nearly fifteen minutes with my elbows on the railing, my chin rested on my hands, staring longingly at Canada across the falls. So close, yet so far away. Resuming the hunt on the way back to Rodeo, I found nothing but candy wrappers, coffee cup lids, empty beer cans, and the occasional plastic bag (Want to see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever littered a path with?).
Later I would find a right-handed work glove, a pair of black socks, and a steering wheel cover, none of which I added to my personal inventory, for obvious reasons. Even though I didn’t find anything I could use, spend, sell, or pawn, I slept well last night knowing that eventually my new hobby will pay off. How much does a metal detector cost?

Gone, but Never Forgotton

Team Buffalo Beau took a huge hit on Saturday. I was so devastated by this loss that I’m just now coming to terms with it. Parked in a Target parking lot, I screwed my single-burner camp stove onto a propane canister, set it out of view by the back tire of Rodeo, fired it up, and boiled some water for coffee. Coffee in hand, I let Single Burner chill out in the lot to cool off while I started up a DVD on my laptop (Never, never watch Good Dick – no, it’s not a porno). After watching the crap flick, I sped out of the lot in disgust, shifting my focus to the hunt for the night’s sleeping location. Rodeo selected a semi-secluded plot of asphalt in a Wal-Mart lot with light traffic and few lights, but my praise of his choice was cut off mid-sentence when my jaw dropped and I realized that Single Burner had been left behind - all alone. Not even a half hour had lapsed from the time we left Target to the time our tires screeched to a halt in the same parking spot we were in previously. I jumped out of Rodeo, not bothering to close the door, and raced around to his passenger side where I would scoop S.B. up in an apologetic, loving embrace. My eyes fell on empty pavement. My heart fell to the bottom of my chest. I fell to the ground. It was minutes before I could muster the strength to pull myself to my feet, but adrenaline coursed through my bloodstream, forcing me to frantically search the lot, leaving no leaf unturned, no car window un-peered through, and no person (suspect) un-stink eyed. My investigation continued with the questioning of two teenage cart gatherers donned in bright orange vests. They knew nothing of a missing camp stove. They were telling the truth; I could tell by their eyes – and by the fact that they looked like their brains were trying to process what a camp stove even was. My next stop was at the store’s Customer Service counter, where I asked if they had a lost and found. “What did you lose?” a Twilight-pale punk wearing a red polo asked me. “A single-burner camp stove,” I panted, “about yay-high, wearing a small green propane canister with a black base.” This was followed by an extended silence and a look from Emo Joe that made me think I had Gummy Worms wriggling out of my nose. As I covered my nose with my hand, E.J. reluctantly checked a drawer that could barely hold a pair of sunglasses, let alone a camp stove. No dice. Heart heavy and head hung, I slowly and sadly made my way back to Rodeo, defeated and devastated.

Days later, the pain has not diminished. Nothing has come of the Amburner Alert that was issued on Saturday, and I haven’t received any calls in response to the various “Have you seen S.B.?” picture flyers that I’ve posted around town. I can only hope he made it into the hands of an outdoor-loving family who he nourishes with his heat, and who love him like one of their own in return. Hephaestus, great God of Fire, please let my flammable friend not have fallen into the clutches of villainous hands - hands that would force him into slavery as an unwilling pawn in the production of basement-grade narcotics!

Maps, Directions Just Don't Help Here

If I had a nickel for every time I took a wrong turn, missed an exit, or just ended up in the wrong place in Buffalo, I wouldn’t have any money concerns. Then again, finding yourself in Buffalo to begin with defines ‘ending up in the wrong place.’ Not only does the seemingly inescapable maze of intersecting highways, interstates, and toll roads suck away your fuel and your patience, but it also plunges you into an abyss of invisible stoplights and pothole-scarred roads that resemble the surface of the moon. When you pull up to a stop line at an intersection, the stoplights are positioned directly above your car, so in order to know what color it is you have to either press your face to your windshield and stare skyward or just wait for the honk from the car behind you. The potholes – road craters, rather – are so numerous that you find yourself swerving away from the smooth bits of asphalt because that’s the irregularity. Rodeo’s taking a beating. I count on getting lost a few more times here, but soon enough the two of us will be free of Buffalo’s Black Hole Road Network. Where, by Poseidon’s triton, am I?!

Buffalo Beau's Sausage Potato Corn Cakes

Meat, carbs, dairy, and veggies - that covers all the food groups in one shot, right? You're looking at about 400 calories, 22 grams of fat, 35 grams of carbohydrates, and 14 grams of protein per serving. Even if it's not a well-rounded meal, it's at least, well, a round one.

Ingredients:

2/3 package prepared instant mashed taters mixed with canned corn
(eat the other third for dinner the night before)

1 lb ground sausage (get the tube)

1 package cornbread mix (just add water)

1 egg

Brown and drain the sausage and set aside. In a medium bowl, prepare cornbread mix according to directions on the package, including the egg. When smooth, mix in last night's leftover mashed potato and corn mixture and the browned sausage. Dollop batter (whatever size or shape your little heart desires) into a buttered skillet over medium to medium-high heat. Cook to golden brown on both sides.

Here's to you, Earth; Thanks for having me

In observance of Earth Day, the first thing I did this morning after waking up in my Rodeo in a Wegmans supermarket parking lot was grab an empty 2-liter bottle and walk it into the store, where I deposited it in a nifty bottle-processing recycling machine. Some might accuse me of having ulterior motives for the gesture; I did get a five cent credit for depositing the plastic. I must admit, the monetary incentive certainly played a role in my decision. Now I have a voucher for 5 cents burning a hole in my pocket. I think I'll use it on half a peanut from the bulk section when I go back. One other way I showed my respect for the environment today was by consciously forgoing a shower...again. Water conservation is important, people. Aah, it feels good to give back to Ol' Momma Earth.

Mikey, you made me do this

Sitting in Hamburg, New York, I'm wondering why on Earth I've just set up a Blog Spot after swearing long ago never to engage in such practices. The answer is simple: Mikey made me do it. I hope you're happy, buddy. Not much to speak of today, really. The last few days have just kind of melded together, Groundhog Day style, as I wait in the Buffalo Metropolitan Area for word on my approval or rejection for a temporary worker's permit for Canada. My daily highlights include an extended stay at the McKinley Mall for endless wi-fi, challenging myself to see how long I can roam the aisles of the local Super Wal-Mart with minimal expenditures (I'm averaging about $2.78 and 2 hours per visit - $1.39 an hour is pretty cheap entertainment if you ask me), and a day-ending viewing of a Red Box movie on my laptop in whatever parking lot, park, or other undisclosed location my car deems worthy for a safe night's rest. I just got evicted by the Orchard Park PD at 5:30 this morning from the park that I've called home for the last three nights, so I'm in the market for a Wednesday night piece of land. I'm searching for something in the area of 8 by 15 feet, and I'm hoping to spend less than 1 cent. I've got a few different options I'm looking at.